And on Saturday…

By Felix Cheong

TRY talking through both sides of your mouth.

It’s tough, it feels like pulling teeth but it’s possible. Just watch the G in action (or inaction) this week.

First, you have the labour chief (alias: Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office) who urged Singaporeans on Sunday (Apr 3) not to adopt a “transactional” relationship with their country.

“Is your staying in Singapore conditional on certain factors, particularly material or otherwise?” Mr Chan Chun Sing rhetorically asked participants at a dialogue session in Geylang Serai.

Naturally, any right-thinking person with left-thinking ideas would ask the same of the good minister. Especially since the grounds for ministerial salary has always been “transactional”: Able men and women will not come forward to serve if they don’t get the salary they deserve.

Kee Chiu if you reckon all this talk is not lip service.

Not to be outdone, Health Minister Gan Kim Yong said in Parliament on Monday (Apr 4) that naming the people responsible for last year’s Hepatitis C outbreak at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH) will create a “blame culture”. The outbreak was linked to the death of eight people. In all, 16 senior staff – 12 from SGH and four from the Health Ministry – were punished.

Wait a minute. So, according to Mr Gan, we have a smoking gun but a shooter with no name, like the Clint Eastwood character in that Spaghetti Western, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)?

Or maybe the shooter has disappeared under Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. See, he’s there; you’ve just looked right through him.

Which gives new meaning to the G’s constant refrain of transparency: You’re only as transparent as you’re invisible.

Equally puzzling is the doublespeak from the Land Transport Authority (yes, these things come in threes!). On Monday (Apr 4), it announced that while the number of major train breakdowns had gone up last year – an increase of 40 per cent from the previous year – the rail system was “more reliable” than it has been since 2011.

It explained that last year, a train put in an average of 133,000km before a delay of more than five minutes occurred. This was up from 93,000 in 2014 and thus, the system was overall (and I’m overawed) “more reliable”.

Say what? By this reasoning, if you beat your wife within an inch of her life on five occasions this year, up from three last year, but her injuries are not as life-threatening as before, then technically, you’re a more loving husband?

So, you see, there’re times to keep mum. And there’re times the dad should keep mum. Hong Kong superstar Andy Lau hasn’t quite reached this level of Zen mysticism. This week, he’s been teasing fans on his official website about whether his wife is pregnant: “If the dream comes true, I must surely share. Having become an artist like myself, who needs more?”

Yes, Mr Lau, more obfuscation please. Say it like you don’t mean it.

Which is exactly my sentiment when I read that Japanese skincare brand, Fancl, is making a comeback in Singapore, after closing all its 13 stores two years ago due to continued losses.

Now operating through a Singapore company, Fantastic Natural Cosmetics (Singapore), Fancl products will soon be available at counters in department stores and standalone shops.

The company’s managing director, Mr Christopher Chan, told The Straits Times: “We know people have missed us… Now we want to be in Singapore forever.”

Consider the enormity of his promise. Not just a five- or even 50-year plan, but forever.

Long after you and I have turned to dust, Fancl will still be here. A comforting thought, even if I’ve never used their products (and don’t intend to start).

That’s the wonder of doublespeak. It’s really a fairy tale for adults.

 

Featured Image by Guet Ghee Pang.

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The post And on Saturday… appeared first on The Middle Ground.

- Felix Cheong