President Obama’s funniest sick burns at his last White House Correspondents’ Dinner

President Barack Obama performed what would most likely be his final stand-up comedy routine at the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday night.

The president provided plenty of sick burns during his 30-minute comedy monologue before 2,600 dinner-goers at the Washington Hilton — an roast of epic proportions which he has delivered on point many times over his two terms as commander-in-chief.

The Correspondents dinner is an annual Washington-insider event attended by journalists, celebrities, politicians and advertisers.

The first one was held in 1921. A group of reporters got together to fete the newly elected president Warren G. Harding after covering his presidential campaign.

However, the comedy monologue annual ritual began in earnest in 1962, after John F. Kennedy started the tradition at the dinner.

In his final appearance as comedian-in-chief, Obama poked everyone, including his wife, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Republicans, the media and Donald Trump.

However, the real estate mogul-presidential hopeful declined to attend this year’s event, despite numerous invitations. Attending in his place were his eldest sons, Eric and Donald Jr.

Here are the sickest burns provided by Obama (God bless this man), after which, he delivered a mike drop — literally:

1. On Trump

“The republican establishment is incredulous that he is their most likely nominee. Incredulous. Shocking. They say Donald lacks the foreign policy experience to be president. But in fairness, he has spent years meeting with leaders from around the world: Miss Sweden, Miss Argentina, Miss Azerbaijan.”

“Although I am a little hurt that he’s not here tonight. We had so much fun that last time, And it is surprising. You’ve got a room full of reporters, celebrities, cameras. And he says no. Is this dinner too tacky for the Donald? What could he possibly be doing instead? Is he at home eating a Trump steak, tweeting out insults to Angela Merkel? What’s he doin’?”

“And there is one area where Donald’s experience could be invaluable and that’s closing Guantanamo because Trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.”

 

2. On Bernie Sanders

“What an election season. For example, we’ve got the bright new face of the Democratic party here tonight, Mr. Bernie Sanders. Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or, to put in terms you’ll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.”

 

3. On the role of the press

“I also would like to acknowledge some of the award winning reporters that we have with us here tonight. Rachel McAdams, Mark Ruffalo, Liev Schreiber. Thank you all for everything you have done. I’m just joking. As you know, Spotlight is a film, a movie about investigative journalists with the resources and the autonomy to chase down the truth and hold the powerful accountable. Best fantasy film since Star Wars.”

“I don’t want to spend too much time on The Donald. Following your lead, I want to show some restraint. Because I think we can all agree that from the start he’s gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy. Ha. I hope you all are proud of yourselves.”

4. On himself

“And yet somehow, despite all this, despite the churn, in my final year my approval ratings keep going up. The last time I was this high I was trying to decide on my major.”

“Hillary once questioned whether I would be up ready for a 3 a.m .phone call. Now, I’m awake anyway because I have to go to the bathroom. I’m up.”

 

5. On political paralysis

“In just six short months, I will be officially a lame duck, which means Congress now will flat out reject my authority, and Republican leaders won’t take my phone calls. And this is going to take some getting use to. It’s really gonna… It’s a curve ball.”

 

6. On the next president

“Next year at this time, someone else will be standing here in this very spot and it’s anyone guess who she will be.”

 

7. On Hillary Clinton

“Anyway, here we are, my eighth and final appearance at this unique event. And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans.”

“Look, I’ve said how much I admire Hillary’s toughness, her smarts, her policy chops, her experience. You’ve got admit it though, Hillary trying appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative who just signed up for Facebook. ‘Dear America, did you get my poke? Is it appearing on your wall? I’m not sure I’m using this right. Love, Aunt Hillary.’ It’s not entirely persuasive.”

 

8. On Michelle Obama

“But the prospect of leaving the White House is a mixed bag. You might have heard that someone jumped the White House fence last week, but I have to give the Secret Service credit. They found Michelle and brought her back. She’s safe back at home now. It’s only nine more months, baby. Settle down.”

9. On Dick Cheney

“I love Joe Biden. I really do. And I want to thank him for his friendship, for his counsel, for always giving it to me straight, for not shooting anybody in the face. Thank you, Joe.”

 

10. On Republican dilemma

“Guests were asked to check whether they wanted steak or fish. But instead, a whole bunch of you wrote in Paul Ryan. That’s not an option people. Steak or fish. You may not like steak or fish, but that’s your choice.”

 

11. On presidential hopefuls

“Meanwhile, some candidates aren’t polling high enough to qualify for their own joke tonight. [image of Kasich eating].”

 

You can read his entire speech transcript here or watch the full video here:

 

Watch the skit played to the audience about Obama coping with life after the White House:

 

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- Belmont Lay